On Keeping Score

Hey turds,

If I have learned anything lately from trying to balance the ledger of my life it's that you simply cannot. 

I think without acknowledging it I've attempted to make sure things have stayed even. You buy me lunch; I'll buy you lunch. You buy this round; I'll get the next one. You spent $100 on my birthday; I'll be sure to match it when it comes around. 

I think that's generally a best practice in meaningless things but there are two major caveats that you should do your best to avoid.

1 - Trying to pay back the un-pay-back-able

You want to repay a parent for the years of butt-wiping and tuition-paying and sleepless nights? You can't. Someone who really helps you out in a time of need? If you're lucky they'll call on you to do the same. Accept these gifts graciously and thank them lavishly. 

My issue with this is that I don't like feeling that I owe anyone anything; but I do. We all do and you can't always do/say/buy things to make it up them and balance your book. Go ahead and try to but don't hold yourself to an impossible standard.

2- Keeping track of what you give

I think this is tricky too. Don't give anything to do anyone unless you are willing to have it be a gift. Unless you have a written contract; prepare for it to be a gift. You'll probably buy a lot of meals and coffees for people that will "get you back". They won't and that's okay. When you give you should do so liberally and without conditions. Hopefully if you're in trouble someone will be there to do the same for you. 

I'm terrible at this life lesson at this point for the record; but I'm working on it. We'll see how I'm doing by the time you guys are running around. 

Love always,

Dad

On Planning a Trip

Hey kiddos,

I thought this might be interesting to write about because it should apply to any trip you take and what is life if not one (hopefully long) journey.

Your mom and I are reading to go to Japan and Hawaii for two weeks at the beginning of next month and in doing so we are faced with a lot of good questions about the right way to plan (or not plan) our travels. I generally think there are two basic ways to do this and then the continuum between them comprises the way in which they actually get completed.

First way - buy the ticket and take the trip. Arguments for this mentality would be that each journey is truly unique and you will experience the place you're visiting unlike anyone else. Last time I traveled with a friend to Japan he kept reminding me that "as long as you have your credit card and passport; you're good".

Second way - plan everything down to the last detail. The flights, the climate, the hotels, the restaurants, the landmarks, the trains, the walk times. Everything. Biggest positive to this way of traveling is you'll feel like you're maximizing the trip.

I just realized the other day that this trip is going to cost me about twice as much as my first car. When you are as stingy as me and throw down that sort of money you want to make sure you're juicing every moment of enjoyment out of the trip.

So what's the right way? You know who you are; so do what feels right to you. I'll try to leave some gaps for spontaneity to appease your mother but I know that I won't enjoy myself as much without a plan.

Anyways, as you journey through life just figure out what you're doing and live with intention.

Love always,

Dad

P.S. because I'm an energizer bunny when traveling I'll be waking up 2 hours early to explore and then going back to pick up your mother for the rest of the days while we travel. That way she can sleep in and I can wear myself out so I won't be as annoying while we're together. And that's how you make a marriage work. Boom goes the dynamite.

On Mindfulness Meditation

Dear kiddos,

I have been practicing mindfulness meditation for the past few months. I feel like someone introduced me to a version of this via Catholic faith practices but hearing it from the more secular view has somehow proven to be different (and then later the same).

What is it?

Mostly it’s just sitting and thinking. There is a lot of breathing exercises and focusing on the minute sensations that your body feels. There are some amazing (free) apps for the iPhone called “Calm” and “Headspace” that I found particularly helpful when I started.

Initially, I really enjoyed the guided meditations where someone leads you through what you should be thinking about and focusing on. Lately, I have been setting up to listen to basic soundscapes with a bell going off in the background once every two minutes.

I’ll start by taking large, deep breaths and think “in” and “out” coinciding with the direction of the breath. Then I’ll go through a body scan and focus in on all the things you usually wouldn’t recognize. Next is my favorite part; gratitude training. I think I already wrote about achievement and fulfillment but have been led to believe that you cannot live in a negative place when you are conscientiously grateful for all that you have. So for 2 minutes I say “thank you” to the powers that be for all the gifts of my life. I run out of time every day.

I always start thanking my lucky stars for your mother but the rest can go anywhere. Today I thanked the Creator for having fully functioning senses (taste, touch, sight, hearing, and smell) and then made my way through my family. Yesterday I was thinking of my friends and the day before I was thankful for my troublesome employees for making me better at my job and helping me to grow. I imagine I could spend a day being grateful if I was smart enough to realize all the blessings I have. I couldn’t help but notice that this feels an awful lot like the prayers I grew up with by the way. 

The last two minutes is just counting to ten and then starting over (over and over again). Just a way to wind down the practice.

I’m sure there are better ways to do this and I’ll continue to sort out the details as time goes on but I would highly recommend incorporating this into your daily routine.

How does it feel?

Amazing. But do it for a month to feel full effects.

Love always,

Dad

Song of the week? Leave a Trace by Chvrches

your parents - very grateful for you even though you aren't here yet

On Living a Life of Intent

Hey kiddos,

This past week has been a blast. Been trying to work on some things regarding time and life management and will possibly develop them in a more formal process in the future. I just wanted to give you some background on the stuff that has been hitting me lately and see if I can’t help you on the learning curve.

One of my cousins was talking to me about their attempt to join the Navy SEALs, which is known the be the most amazing fighting force on the planet. He was talking about how his perspective on life has changed since they had to crawl through mud while vomiting and pooping their pants. I guess experiencing that sort of event turns down the volume on everything else. He suggested that I do the same and quote someone (don’t recall who said it) that being smart is learning from your own experience but being wise is learning from someone else’s.

Anyways, I was listening to this podcast where Tim Ferriss interviews Tony Robins (look them up on Wikipedia for 2 minutes) and there was a conversation regarding the difference between achievement and fulfillment and how the latter is the one to be sought after. They give some striking examples but one thing that stuck out to me was how gratitude, in practice, is the opposite of fear and anger. If you’re truly being grateful for the things you have it’s impossible to live in a negative state. I’m sure there is loads of deep philosophical thought on what you can be grateful for and comparing your station in life to those less fortunate, etc. but if you’re reading this; you have plenty to be grateful for.

So what’s my tip for the week?

1. Organize your life – prioritize the way that you spend your time and money and make sure that what you think is the most important is reflecting with your monetary and time budget. For instance, if you have a relationship you care about and you don’t spend time out on dates or listening to stories (your mother can tell a freaking story) and you do spend time watching television/Netflix/etc. then it’s time to make a change.
2. Have a process – it becomes very easy to break down where things are falling apart in your life if you’re following a process. I like to compare this to dietary issues. Everyone is on a diet (meaning everyone eats some food) but most people’s diets are called “chaos” and consist of just eating whatever you want, whenever you want.
3. Details matter – plan your mornings and evenings down to the minute. I use 5-minute increments to plan what my schedule looks like and I have found it extremely liberating. There is less time to think and decide so you are forced into action. 

Anyways, these posts are morphing into a self-help column so I’ll try to control myself with the next blog and talk about something else but the truth is if you aren’t improving then you’re already dead.

Have a great rest of the day.

Love always,

Dad